Silicon Valley chapter of the IGDA. This is a transcript of my resignation speech.
Ladies and Gentlemen…
Er, okay, let me start over.
Fellow Professionals and…
Student Wannabees and Game Industry Dorks,
I became a member of the International Game Developer’s Association years ago for reasons that are shrouded in mystery. Ah, who am I kidding? I just wanted the $45 discount on tickets to the Game Developer’s Conference.
[loud boos by CMP employees]
Anyhoo, after a while, I decided I wanted to help out this great organization by donating my time. Running for office was a painful, enervating, but utterly worthwhile endeavor involving raising my hand when the chairwoman asked for help.
I do not regret my decision. In my three years as director, I have advanced such programs as…Well, okay, I didn’t start any programs, but I did run a few events like… Hm. All right, so we’ll skip the litany of what I did to help out. Let’s just say it would be unfair to say all I did was keep a chair warm; mainly because I moved around to other chairs at events. I like to move around.
Many of you, and I use the word “many” loosely, are understandably shocked and horrified by my resignation. Let me assure you that I am only stepping down in consideration of my family and my health. I’m not as young as I used to be. I can’t do the heavy recreational drugs and alcohol we always break out at IGDA meetings. [drunken cheers] I can no longer fend off the armies of young supermodels throwing themselves at every game developer they see. [sobs from behind the barricades] I can’t take the stinging, but well-considered barbs of Jack Thompson any more. [sound of a lunatic frothing at the mouth]
And so, it is with heavy heart that I tender my resignation. The great ship that is the IGDA will have to continue without me. Of course, it’s not a normal ship, but kind of a heavy, space battleship with big neutron cannons or something. You’ll probably be fine. Thank you and good night.
[uncomfortable silence followed by hours of carousing]