Tuesday, March 29, 2011

H8 Her Boi

In my continuing attempts to keep you up to date on the latest in news and entertainment, I’d like you to cast your attention to a song by a Ms. Avril Lavigne called “Sk8R Boi.”

Avril was already on my watch list because of her name.  Avril is French for April, and yet she was born in September.  It’s like she’s just trying to confuse us.  Anyway, she’s just making things worse by using SMS language for her song title.  Seriously?  Sk8R Boi?!  April, if you’re reading (and I know you are), you are officially on notice until you rename your song “Underage Skateboarder Guy” and legally change your name to “French September.”
Ah, Google Image Search, I so love your suggestions.
Anyway, back to the song.

Sk8R Boi is about a pretty girl (only given the name Pretty Face) and the eponymous Skater Boy.  She eventually rejects him.  At this point, the song starts becoming annoyingly judgmental.  As the lyrics state:
Five years from now, she sits at home
Feeding her baby, she’s all alone.
Wait, what?

Since when is being with a baby “all alone?”  Have babies ceased to be people?
Yeah, okay, I see your point.
Anyway, meanwhile the guy has become a rock star dating April.  I immediately felt sorry for the guy, but the song suggests that we should feel sorry for the girl.  She shouldn’t have judged him poorly because of his taste in clothes.  Had she been more open to him, she could have been the girlfriend of a rock star, living in hotel rooms, watching groupies throw themselves at her boyfriend, taking recreational drugs, etc.  Poor kid; stuck in a marriage with a kid.  What ever will become of her?
Poor bastards.
According to the song “this is how the story ends.”  However, we know stories don’t end with people in their early twenties.  I have created snapshots of the rest of their lives by using state-of-the-art technology to analyze demographics and, er, April’s other songs.

Ten Years From Now
Pretty Girl will probably be on her third child.  I get the impression she’ll be in suburbia with a minivan trying desperately to manage the kids and the household.
"Billy, hold the camera straight for mommy!"

Skater Boy’s life is probably described in “Happy Ending.”

So, he breaks up with his girlfriend.  Sorry, April.

Twenty Years From Now
Pretty Girl’s children start leaving the nest.  She’s sad, but doesn’t have to worry about chasing after them all the time or saving for college.
Ah, Google Image Search, you failed me!

Skater Boy’s last album doesn’t sell so well.  He ends up blowing most of his savings on frivolous expenditures such as last-minute trips to Miami and fossilized dinosaur skeletons.  He gets back together with April briefly, as she chronicles in her song “What the Hell.”

So, April's become amoral and it doesn't work out.  Sorry April!
Thirty Years From Now
Pretty Girl becomes a grandmother.  Her husband retires.
No, really, we'd rather be washed-up rock stars.
Skater Boy starts doing infomercials as a last-ditch effort to keep his mansion from foreclosure.
"I wore these when I toured with Van Halen."
Forty Years From Now
Pretty Girl does charity work in the neighborhood, babysits her grandchildren, and travels frequently with her husband.
"Is that you Sk8R Boy?  Oh, I'd love to catch up, but I'm a bit busy."
Skater Boy is found dead on a toilet.  He always wanted to be like Elvis.
Just can't stay mad at you, Google Image Search.
And we're supposed to think the girl is the loser here?  Try again, April.

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