Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tiger Mom vs Cthulhu Mom

If you haven't heard about Amy Chua's book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, then you haven't been on the internet. If you haven't been on the internet, then someone must have printed this blog out and handed it to you and I'm much more popular in third world countries than I thought.
If you happen to live in Zaire, here's a quick summary:

Ms. Chua raised her children with a very strict set of rules. They weren't allowed television, sleepovers, or playdates with friends. They had to get straight As and be the top of almost every class. If they disobeyed, she sold their toys, berated them, and told them she'd throw them out of the house.

Her book is controversial, mainly because most people thought she was unnecessarily coddling her children. Sure, Tiger Mom is a great strategy for grinding your children into the dust, but if you truly want to make your children succeed, if you really care about their future, you should try to be more like Cthulhu.

If you haven't heard of Cthulhu, then you haven't been on the internet. If you haven't... Hm, I'm getting a feeling of deja vu. Lemmie cut to the chase. Here's a picture of Cthulhu.

Imagine that's your mom.

Cthulhu is all about results. Cthulhu wouldn't fool around with his (her? its?) children's discipline. Cthulhu would make the little monsters succeed or kill them in the process.

Here's some examples of a Cthulhu Mom's rules:

• No rest breaks. Cthulhu sleeps in R'yleh for a vigintillion years; the kids can too. However, when that's over, they have to stay awake for the rest of eternity (unless someone hits them in the head with a steamship).

• No friends. Cthulhu's only friends are his worshippers that he gets TO EAT. Your kids can only make friends if they eat them.

• No music. Who cares if they can play the piano or violin? Cthulhu doesn't play an instrument (although I believe he does a mean "Lady of Spain" on the accordian).

• No school. Like music, school is a waste of time. What isn't a waste of time?

• Taking over the world. Children must spend all day, every day, corrupting the souls of innocents, killing those who oppose them, and practicing the black arts to bring the world under their sway.

I laugh at you, Amy Chua. Sure, your kids are child prodigies who perform violin at Carnegie Hall, but my kids are going to eat the world.

Beat that.

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