Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Matthew vs. the Trenta

When I heard about Starbuck's new enormous sized drink, my reaction was probably the same as yours:

It is ON Starbucks!

"But it's ten more ounces!" the critics whine. "It's the size of two Grandes!"

"HA!" I thought. "I laugh at your pitiful attempts to dissuade me from drowning my nerve cells in pure caffeine. I am more man than you."

OR WAS I? How could I know until I tried it? So, I went to my local Starbucks to order one.

"I understand you have a new gigantic drink size," I said.

"Yes, the Trenta," the man/barista (manrista? bariman?) told me. "But it's not out until tomorrow, February first."

"Curse you!" I screamed to the skies, and ordered my usual (tall, white chocolate mocha).

However, I was determined to be the first blogger to cover this new phenomenon, so, I came back first thing in the morning. Well, I was going to go first thing, but then I had to take my kids to school. And the car had to go into the shop. And I needed a new suit for the two weddings I'm going to this year (stupid moths eating my stupid suits). And I had to pick the car up again. And of course, to stop in to see my kids and take them to the bathroom.


"I understand you have a new, giant sized coffee!" I said to Dave, my favorite coffee guy (guyrista? baruy?).

"Yes," he said, holding up a giant, see-through cup large enough to suffocate an elephant. "But it's only for iced drinks. It's for the deep south where people drink giant iced teas. You can't be a serious southerner if you don't have a giant iced tea."

My world spun confusingly. I didn't drink iced coffee.

"See, the problem is I don't actually like coffee," I explained. "I like coffee ice cream-"

"I LOVE coffee ice cream," Dave agreed.

"Yeah, so I get a white chocolate mocha because that's pretty much just hot, coffee ice cream."

Dave thought about it and came up with a drink for me: iced coffee with vanilla shots, and 2% milk. They couldn't put whipped cream on it because they didn't have a top that went with it. There was some consternation in the making since nobody at the store had been trained to make a Trenta drink, so they just guessed how many shots I needed.

Here's my other barista dude (durista? barude?) handing me my Trenta. It was the second he had ever made.  Dave is in the background.

This is a pretty big drink. (Surprisingly, it wasn't all that expensive. It was only $3.35 with tax.) I decided to take it out to the station and take a picture of it with a train to give you an idea of just how big the Trenta is.

Thomas says: "Bust my buffers! That's one disturbingly large coffee."

Anyway, I was planning on writing about my experiences trying to down the coffee. There were going to be progressive shots of the drink getting smaller. I was going to write about how my nervous system was shredding me and take blurry pictures of the cup since my hands were shaking. Maybe I'd make it look like I was hallucinating. Eventually, I was either going to throw up (a la Super Size Me) or have a picture of me pouring it into the toilet. However, about two paragraphs into writing this piece, about the time I wrote "CURSE YOU," my drink looked like this.

I guess it wasn't all that big a drink to begin with. Still, I feel like drinking it has made me more of a man. More of a man than you, anyway.



MDS said...

Hmm, I'll have to try it and if I can become more of a man.

Morris West Montana said...

Haha, stupid moths. Moths are stupid, them and their lights. Who likes lights? Just stupid moths.

Also, just fyi, I love iced coffee, black... but I don't much like hot coffee (unless it's drowned out in cream and sugar).

M. A. Kagle said...


Morris West Montana said...

"And I needed a new suit for the two weddings I'm going to this year (stupid moths eating my stupid suits)"

Those moths.

M. A. Kagle said...

Oh, right, forgot. Thanks.