It is ON Starbucks!
"But it's ten more ounces!" the critics whine. "It's the size of two Grandes!"
"HA!" I thought. "I laugh at your pitiful attempts to dissuade me from drowning my nerve cells in pure caffeine. I am more man than you."
OR WAS I? How could I know until I tried it? So, I went to my local Starbucks to order one.
"I understand you have a new gigantic drink size," I said.
"Yes, the Trenta," the man/barista (manrista? bariman?) told me. "But it's not out until tomorrow, February first."
"Curse you!" I screamed to the skies, and ordered my usual (tall, white chocolate mocha).
However, I was determined to be the first blogger to cover this new phenomenon, so, I came back first thing in the morning. Well, I was going to go first thing, but then I had to take my kids to school. And the car had to go into the shop. And I needed a new suit for the two weddings I'm going to this year (stupid moths eating my stupid suits). And I had to pick the car up again. And of course, to stop in to see my kids and take them to the bathroom.
But NOW I'm HERE.
"I understand you have a new, giant sized coffee!" I said to Dave, my favorite coffee guy (guyrista? baruy?).
"Yes," he said, holding up a giant, see-through cup large enough to suffocate an elephant. "But it's only for iced drinks. It's for the deep south where people drink giant iced teas. You can't be a serious southerner if you don't have a giant iced tea."
My world spun confusingly. I didn't drink iced coffee.
"See, the problem is I don't actually like coffee," I explained. "I like coffee ice cream-"
"I LOVE coffee ice cream," Dave agreed.
"Yeah, so I get a white chocolate mocha because that's pretty much just hot, coffee ice cream."
Dave thought about it and came up with a drink for me: iced coffee with vanilla shots, and 2% milk. They couldn't put whipped cream on it because they didn't have a top that went with it. There was some consternation in the making since nobody at the store had been trained to make a Trenta drink, so they just guessed how many shots I needed.
Here's my other barista dude (durista? barude?) handing me my Trenta. It was the second he had ever made. Dave is in the background.
This is a pretty big drink. (Surprisingly, it wasn't all that expensive. It was only $3.35 with tax.) I decided to take it out to the station and take a picture of it with a train to give you an idea of just how big the Trenta is.
Thomas says: "Bust my buffers! That's one disturbingly large coffee."
Anyway, I was planning on writing about my experiences trying to down the coffee. There were going to be progressive shots of the drink getting smaller. I was going to write about how my nervous system was shredding me and take blurry pictures of the cup since my hands were shaking. Maybe I'd make it look like I was hallucinating. Eventually, I was either going to throw up (a la Super Size Me) or have a picture of me pouring it into the toilet. However, about two paragraphs into writing this piece, about the time I wrote "CURSE YOU," my drink looked like this.
I guess it wasn't all that big a drink to begin with. Still, I feel like drinking it has made me more of a man. More of a man than you, anyway.
OR CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRENTA?!