Saturday, October 23, 2010

New Scene: Mr. 3000

I was stuck on an airplane once with the only choice of movies being Mr. 3000. If you haven't seen the movie, here's a quick synopsis:

A baseball player makes a record by being the first player to hit 3000 runs. He immediately (as in mid game) quits and uses his fame to become a successful businessman. Years later, a few of his hits are taken away from his record and he rejoins the team to get them back. Along the way he finds love and learns many valuable lessons about teamwork.

Yeah, okay, pretty trite fare. You could just guess from the opening scenes that he'd give up his dream of getting his 3000 back to help his team. However, once scene struck me. He's sitting in the dugout with the coach, who hasn't spoken to him for the whole movie. He apologizes, but the coach never speaks. Near the end of the game, he screams at an umpire to defend the player.

I just couldn't get past this scene, and kept thinking about how I would have written it. The result is below.
It was wrong the way I quit on the team back then. I was young, Skip. I was young.

There is a long pause. Stan turns to go when-

Do you know what cancer is?
(stunned that the coach is finally talking)
Er. It's a disease. Gives you big tumors.

Cancer is one selfish cell. You see, every cell in the body works together. They grow when they're told, they die when they're told and everything goes smoothly. Cancer is one cell saying "Fuck you all. I'm going to keep growing." That cell splits and multiplies until it becomes a giant tumor and kills everything, even itself.

When you quit the team, everything went to hell. We couldn't hit to save our mothers. When you quit, you demoralized us. You humiliated us. Face it, you killed us. Now you're here spouting off how you loved the team? Bullshit.

Prove to me that you're not a selfish bastard trying to kill us again, and I'll accept the apology.
Okay, I know cancer doesn't work like that. So sue me.

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