Friday, October 1, 2010

New Anniversary Presents

I have an anniversary coming up this month and, like a lot of people who are bad at buying presents for their loved ones, I consulted a handy guide to find the traditional present to get.  As always, I was horrified at how much the traditional presents suck.  (Seriously?  You expect me to buy her a plate?)  The updated, modern list is marginally less awful, but seems to have been the subject of corporate interests (although the Pottery Barn AnniversaryTM sounds like fun). 

I have attempted to make a more helpful set of gifts:

1st - Air
You lived together for a year?  Big friggin' deal.  Go have dinner out and get on with it!

2nd - New china
You're going to need something to replace that stoneware crap you registered for.  Sure, it looked nice, but it wasn't dishwasher safe and broke easily.

3rd - New flatware
You know that box of formal dining silverware set that's propping up your XBox in the garage?  Yeah, you're never going to use those.  Who has formal dinner parties?  And who would polish the silver afterwards?  Go get some real utensils.

4th - Mortgage
You should be settling down by now.  Get a house.  Renting is like money down the toilet.  (BTW, this anniversary is sponsored by Interro Real Estate.  Call me if you need an agent.  I get a commission!)

5th - Contraceptives
It's a romantic way of saying: "I know your biological clock is ticking, but I'm not about to give up my life."

6th - Baby Toys
Face it, you can only hold off the biological clock for so long.

7th - Baby Sitters
The seventh anniversary is also known as the "Didn't we used to have fun?" anniversary.

8th - Preschool
Preschool is the same thing as babysitters, but with less guilt.

9th - Home repairs
It's always good to fix things around the house, just make sure you don't get a home expansion.  A guest bedroom is an open invitation to have another child.

10th - Vacation alone
If you haven't been together ten years yet, then you'd be horrified at the idea of leaving your children for a week.  If you've reached this point, you've already booked tickets.  If you're past ten years, then you already have a resort and childcare reserved for the next decade.

20th - Pictures of the children
The fifteenth is also known as the "Empty Nest Anniversary."

25th - New cars
The men are going to be going through their mid life crisis.  Ladies, pick now: a blonde or a car?  The women are going to be sore from driving that uncomfortable, old mini-van.  Gentlemen, pick now: a car or a muscular masseur named "Fernando?"

30th - Plastic surgery
You can only put off that mid life crisis for so long.  Time to do everything you can to keep you spouse's interest.

40th - Medical Insurance
Congratulations!  You've stayed together so long that nobody else on the whole planet is interested in you.  You might as well get a fancy plan to keep going for as long as you can.

50th - Trick weapons
You know your spouse will be trying to kill you as much as you're trying to kill him or her.  Why not give yourself the upper hand?  Blanks are inexpensive and effective and give you critical seconds to return fire.

100th - ???
Nobody has ever reached the famed hundredth anniversary.  However, as science extends our life-spans, we will someday see many couples reach this point.  What do you get someone you've lived with for a hundred years?  It's hard to say.  Not only will you have gotten to the point where you've bought everything you need or want, but you'll be too senile to enjoy gifts.  Some suggestions:
  • Dr. Kevorkian Brand Suicide Machines (two pack)
  • Matching cemetary plots
  • Trip to Mars (this is the future, remember?)
  • Organ transplants
  • A butler to keep those noisy kids off your lawn
  • New dentures
Hope these were helpful!  Let me know if you used my suggestions.  I've got legal copyright on this whole list, so you owe me cash if you do...

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