Saturday, October 9, 2010

Inventions for Parents

We just got this catalog in the mail from One Step Ahead. The catalog bills itself as selling helpful items for parents. As I paged through it, I realized it only had toys and games, blankets and clothes; nothing I really needed. The problem is, nobody has what I really need. What I need hasn’t been invented yet.
So, if there are any inventors out there, I’ve created a list of projects for you to work on. I guarantee parents will snatch them up:
Behavior collar
Mountains of research have been done on the harmful effects of spanking. Not only is hitting your kid ineffective, but it’s embarrassing to do in public, what with all the people who know it’s child abuse. The behavior collar solves this problem by shocking your child whenever he or she does an act you deem offensive (swearing, acting out, spitting food, advocating supply-side economics, etc.).

Anti slamming doors
Nothing removes the enjoyment of putting your child in a time out faster than having said child slam the door in your face, sometimes repeatedly. The anti slamming door can only be moved at a low speed by a child, to prevent slamming. When a parent closes the door, however, it can be moved at any speed desired (to keep children from running out and calling the police).

Vocal spray
Screaming babies on planes are expected these days, but not with the vocal spray. A few squirts of vocal spray anesthetizes the vocal cords of a loud child. The child can then scream as much as he or she wants, but nobody will hear anything. Note, due to the potential for abuse, use of vocal spray would be limited to the most necessary situations: on airplanes, in nice restaurants, after bedtime, in the car, waiting in lines, at religious ceremonies, during school, er... Okay, maybe there should be no restrictions.

School talkie tabs
The school talkie tab (STT) is a small adhesive patch similar to the nicotine patch. When applied to a child’s skin, sodium pentothal is released into the bloodstream, making the child actually tell you what happened in school that day instead of shrugging and saying “nothing.”

Sleeping pills
Okay, so sleeping pills have been around forever, but not in child’s doses. Now that children’s cold remedies have been banned, parents have no way to force their children to sleep, short of the “Desdemona method.” What parents need is a quick-acting sleeping pill that can be administered without parents receiving “Othello’s reward” (capital punishment).

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