Saturday, October 16, 2010

All Natural

To my eternal shame, I used to shop at Whole Foods (this was back in 2006, when I lived in Chicago, and my shopping choices were limited). Whilst there, I found these “all natural” sugar cookies you could decorate and bake yourself. They were Christmas cookies, and I hate Christmas, but I’m a sucker for cookies, so I bought them.

It turns out that they were not only disturbingly good, but also fun to decorate. I ended up buying them several times over the year and was glad they weren’t only around at Christmastime. One day, however, I looked at the ingredients.

The usual things were on the ingredients list, sugar, flour, etc. Then I hit the word butter and stopped. I looked back at the All Natural label on the front and back again to the word butter. Then it hit me: how is butter natural?

Seriously, think about it for a moment. I always assumed the word natural meant “naturally occurring.” I’ll accept milk as natural. Flour is just ground up wheat grains, so I’ll accept that, too. However, how could butter possibly be naturally occurring?

Think about it. For butter to occur naturally, it would have to have started with a cow. The cow would have recently given birth to make it lactate and drip milk freely from its udders. This cow would have had to drip her milk into a naturally occurring container; lets say there was a shallow depression in the ground under said cow. Since the butter is Pasteurized, all of the above must have happened during a forest fire that, miraculously, didn’t boil the milk away. The milk was then churned, so after the forest fire, a 7.8 earthquake happened on the spot for half an hour.

That is one unlucky cow.

In any case, if you’re going to accept butter as all natural, you might as well say a Subaru is, since everything it’s made of came from nature. Bon appetit!

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