Sunday, September 19, 2010

Thoughts After a Trying Weekend

Before you say anything, children are a joy. Children are bundles of sunshine and kittens. Children are our future.

Sometimes, however, children can be a giant pain in the butt. They scream, they cry, they knock drinks across the room while screaming and crying. Did I mention the screaming and crying? If you ever had criticisms of the way your parents raised you, you should try raising children of your own. I promise you, you’ll consider writing a letter to the Pope about fast tracking your parents for sainthood.

The problem with unruly children, other than the fact that they force you to realize what you were like as a child, is that there isn’t much you can do about it. Sure, you can work to modify their behavior, but all the effective methods are slow and involve being calm and thoughtful. None of them involve flushing your kid down the toilet.

Most of all, you can’t ever hit. There are mountains of research that now show spanking or other physical punishments are no better than child abuse and don’t curb bad behavior. In some places, spanking is coming close to being prohibited by law.

Luckily for you, I compiled a list of enjoyable, punitive measures that are perfectly legal. Feel free to use them on your children without fear of prison:

• Playing Garth Brooks music
• Waterboarding (during Republican administrations, only)
• Buying a pet your child is allergic to
• Spending the college fund on scotch
• Repainting your child’s room in chartreuse and mauve stripes
• Legally changing your child’s name to “Snot Rag”
• Making your kid appear on “Jersey Shore”
• Enrolling him or her in a school with embarrassing uniforms
• “Decorating” their stuffed animals with permanent marker
• Taping a sign on your kid’s back that says “Bed Wetter” before a birthday party

I could go on listing these for days, but I’m sure you could come up with better ones. You should probably use them sparingly, but keep in mind your children will hate you no matter what you do.... Or they will until they have their own kids.

No comments: