I feel your pain. The liberal Hollywood elite that George Bush the First told us about has put a stranglehold on American Movies. Now the 4th of July is here and you have to sit through hour after hour of movies that don't represent your belief system. Well, "I Can Write Funny" is here to ease your pain by rewriting liberal movies.
This week: classic movies.
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
The government forces the Boy Scouts of America to accept homosexual and atheist kids to their camp in exchange for a land grant to build a "tolerance camp." With the help of Mr. Smith, several corporations pull together and buy the land to build a dam instead. The famous "filibuster scene" is replaced with one where Smith sits in his chair and just says "I filibuster" every hour to the cheers of the crowd.
The Manchurian Candidate
Iselin is proven right; there are, in fact, 57 communists working in the state department. He's shot by communist sympathizers at the convention, but Joseph McCarthy jumps on stage and finishes his speech. Americans wholeheartedly embrace the blacklist and anyone suspected of being a communist is thrown in jail.
As Spartacus and his army are surrounded on three sides by enemy armies, he reveals his secret cache of weapons. The weapons had been purchased through a secret donation of $19 million from the CIA to fight the communist factions within Rome. He praises the Reagan Doctrine, defeats the armies, and retires to grow food on his federally subsidized farm.