Monday, June 21, 2010

How to take your children to Costco

It’s that time again. You’re out of toilet paper. You have giant empty storage spaces in your house. You have a sudden urge to buy 600 boxes of cereal. Whatever your reason, you know it’s time again for a trip to Costco. Unfortunately, you have to bring the kids.

Some parents hire a sitter. Others prefer to put them in a giant tub of powdered mayonnaise and pick them up at checkout. However, my method allows you to avoid the expense and cleaning involved with the previous two methods.

Just follow these few, simple directions:

Step 1: Planning
  • Explain to your children that you need to go to Costco.
  • Explain to your children why you need to go to Costco.
  • Tell children that they’re going to Costco if they like it or not.
  • Threaten to take away dessert/television/game/breathing privileges.
Step 2: Drive to Costco
  • Drive from your current location to the closest Costco store.
  • Enter parking lot.
  • Drive through entire parking lot without finding a space.
  • Start again.
  • Decide to look for someone getting ready to leave.
  • Wait as someone loads box of napkins into car.
  • Wait as someone loads tub of pickles into car.
  • Wait as someone loads bag of potato chips into car.
  • Wait as someone loads box of ice cream into car.
  • Wait as someone loads another box of ice cream into car.
  • Wait as the fat-ass loads even more ice cream into car.
  • Wait as he returns the cart.
  • Wait as he puts his kids in carseats.
  • Wait as he puts on his seatbelt, tunes his radio, contemplates the metaphysics of being, or whatever the hell else he’s doing.
  • Park.
  • Drag kids to store.
Step 3: Collect needed items
  • Buy First item on shopping list.
  • Allow children to try free sample of angel food cake. After all, it’s pretty healthy compared to other cakes.
  • Buy second item on list.
  • Allow children to try free sample of brownies. Ask for smaller than normal pieces.
  • Buy third item on list.
  • Let children have free sample of fudge. Have one yourself.
  • Buy fourth item on list.
  • Try to keep children from seeing free sample of chocolate covered fruit lump.
  • Let them have free sample of chocolate covered fruit lump.
  • Stop for jellybeans.
  • Try to stop jellybean woman from giving them enormous portions of jellybeans.
  • Make note on shopping list to poison jellybean woman.
Step 4: Pay for items
  • Pick line to register not simply based on number of carts, but also how many things are in each cart.
  • Switch to shorter line.
  • Watch original line get shorter than yours.
  • Repeat last two steps until you are declared a senior citizen.
  • Tell children to calm down.
  • Offer incentives to children to calm down.
  • Strap children down with duct tape (six rolls for $13.00).
  • Allow child to play with your credit card while you wait.
  • Watch child slide credit card into gap under conveyor belt.
  • Watch Costco employees improvise card retrieval device out of masking tape and a ruler.
  • Pay.
  • Give child receipt to give to checker so checker can draw a smiley face on receipt.
  • Watch child crumple receipt and throw it away.
  • Retrieve receipt.
  • Give child receipt.
  • Watch child give receipt to checker.
  • Watch checker not write smiley face on receipt.
  • Make note on receipt to remind you to poison checker.
Step 5: Go home
  • Decide to put children in powdered mayonnaise bin next time.

No comments: