Wednesday, May 5, 2010

This I Disbelieve #2

[Ed. Note: All spelling and punctuation is as it was when submitted]

In the This I Disbelieve segments, I write about things that most people believe to be true, but I just don’t accept.

In this installment: Acquired Tastes

Since I’m talking about my drinking experiences, I thought it would be funny to have a cocktail as I wrote. People tell me a screwdriver is good for beginners, so I made one. It’s just orange juice and vodka, right? Should be easy enough. So, I went to Safeway and got a small bottle labeled “Absolut” (gotta love the spelling) and a carton of juice. I measured them out carefully in a cup measure: two cups vodka and two cups of orange juice. Lets see how it goes!

I never drank in high school. It wasn’t too hard to avoid alcohol. After all, I was a geek with coke-bottle glasses and the least expensive haircut you could get in east-central Illinois (and yes, it did involve cutting my hair with farming equipment). When I did get the chance to drink, I told people I “wasn’t comfortable drinking” yet. I was lying.

Bleah! I thought you couldn’t taste vodka. How can you people drink this? It’s like turpentine.

I never drank in college. Okay, I had a sip of beer at a Tau Kappa Epsilon party once, but that was it. Since I went to school in Wisconsin (The “We’re Snowed In” State), there wasn’t much to do in the winter but drink. Actually, there isn’t much to do in the summer but drink, either. Beer is life in Wisconsin. Even the cafeteria food came pre-soaked in it (bratwurst, mostly). In college, I found that burying myself in the geek caste didn’t help me avoid drinking, so I started telling people “my only vice is sex.” It was a vice that I managed to avoid very well, no matter how hard I tried.

I must be thirsty; I’m almost done.

I never drank in graduate school. I never drank after I left school and started working. Lets face it: I don’t drink. And when I say that, I don’t mean I only drink once a year or so; I mean I never drink, drank, or been drunk. In fact, if you took all the alcohol I ever ingested, it would only fill one (albeit large) glass, and most of that would be from prescription medicine that had been dissolved in alcohol. When I die, whoever gets my liver is going to have good health.

Well, I’m glad that drink is finished. Suppose I should make another one since I’m still writing. This is for SCIENCE after all!

The real reason I don’t drink: alcohol is an acquired taste. I don’t do acquired tastes. People have been coming up to me for decades and saying “Just start drinking! You’ll grow to like it.” Why would anyone do that? That’s like saying “Smack yourself in the head with a hammer! After you do some brain damage, you’ll hardly feel it.” Maybe I should try the hammer thing, too. Hang on; I've got my son's toy hammer here. Ow. Nope, doesn’t work for me.

Shoot, I knocked over my drink and now my head hurts, too. I better make another one. I don’t mean another head. I mean. Ah, heck, you know.

I don’t drink alcohol and I don’t drink coffee either. I tried drinking coffee once and oufnd I needed to have three sugar packets and three creams before I found it bearable. You kinow what coffee is with six sugars and creams? Coffee ice cream! I like coffee ice ceram. Actually, I still don’e like coffeee, but I do like Saturbucks white cholkate moca. What does that say about me? What does that say about our country? We all drink that Starbucks ice cream! This is why the terrorists win!

Man, there are lots of red squiggy lines under these words. Maybe I hit msyelf harder than I thot. I hear alcohol is like aspirin. That’s why their spelled thseame. Better get another one.

I mean, what is the world coming too when terrorists are drinking alcohol and americans are eating cheap ice ceream? That’s communizm. Communizm. Yeah, should capitolize it. HA! We can probably desctroy the commiez by giving the terrorsits coffee. Then they’ll sleep too long and blow up their onw carages instead of Atlantic SCity. You shoulda sen the ocean in those days.

I’m off topic here and I’m out of Absolut. Jerks. Sold me a tiny bottle. I guess I’ll just keep drinking ojuce. And wehave that kooking winde. Shoot now I vomitted on the keys. Sorry. Room keeps sipnning. I should liek down an d let it pass. Comuters are comfy.

Ergadinjnvasl,mncaljkdsnflauksnfajksmcn mval,lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

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