Ever since Fox news decided that facts needed to be given a spin, I’ve been wondering about those poor, downtrodden conservatives among us. Everywhere they turn, they are assailed by the liberal media and feel as if their ideals are being forced upon them. I’ve decided to fix that problem by rewriting famous, liberal movies, so conservatives will find them more palatable.
This Week: Science Fiction and Fantasy
WALL-E finds that the garbage piled on the planet are all windmills, fuel-cell cars, and solar panels (failed green projects from the Obama administration). Auto, the evil autopilot, refuses to let humans return to Earth because they currently exist as a perfect Communist collective. When they finally get back to the planet, WALL-E opens a chain of stores he calls WALL-Mart.
Jake Sully fails to stop the humans from bombing the holy trees of the Pandorans. As the trees burn, it lets off a smoke that causes hallucinations. The Pandorans admit the trees were really drugs they were growing for “medicinal purposes.” Now free of their addiction, the Pandorans help the humans strip mine unobtanium in exchange for stock options.
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
The Wicked Witch of the West sends her union of flying monkeys to intimidate Dorothy and her diverse company. Afraid she’ll have to raise prices to where she can’t compete with foreign companies, Dorothy nails the Witch into a pork barrel. Dorothy sells her company to the CEO of Oz and returns to Kansas where she marries young and raises her children while supporting her husband as a housewife.
Harry Potter Series
Voldemort nearly succeeds in his plan to redistribute the wealth of all the wizards to the muggles. At the last moment, Harry manages to stop all the wealthy wizards from leaving the country by making them all horcruxes that he hides amongst his wealth at Gringotts bank. Voldemort is executed for his crimes by lethal injection. Harry gives up magic as it conflicts with his fundamentalist beliefs.