I’m a trophy husband. It is my job to accompany my wife and make other women jealous of her. It’s a tough job, but when you are as pretty as I am, it comes easily. When I tell people my “career choice” I usually get one reaction (other than the laughter): “Can I do that, too?”
You can, but you must make sure being a trophy spouse fits your personality. Not everyone can cope with the stress of being beautiful. So, I’ve set up this simple quiz to help you find out if being a trophy is right for you.
1. Do you have a job?
B Part time.
C. Children are a full-time job.
2. Do you have childcare?
A. What’s the point of having children if you aren’t the person who cares for them?
B. I have babysitters I can call, but nothing regular.
C. I have an au pair/nanny, and then there’s preschool, of course. I really need a night nanny and weekend babysitter, but it’s so hard to find good people!
3. How often do you go for a Mani/Pedi?
A. What is Manny Peddy? Is that like Handy Manny?
B. I hardly have time to sit down, let alone spend an hour having my nails done!
C. Every week! They help me relax.
4. Do you have cleaners?
A. Oooh, good idea. Are they expensive?
B. Once or twice a month or the carpet tries to walk out of the house.
C. CAN YOU SPEAK UP? THE CLEANERS ARE WAXING THE FLOORS!
5. Do you go to a spa?
B. I’d like to, but they’re really expensive.
C. Hey, you got to do SOMEthing between mani/pedi appointments!
6. Do you drive a minivan?
C. Ew. Those are for soccer moms. I have an SUV!
7. What do you read?
A. Really, who has time?
B. I try to get through a book every week or two.
C. Oh, I read everything. Whatever comes across my desk. Cosmo. Vogue. People. You name it!
8. What are your political views?
A. I am Republican/Democrat.
B. I consider myself an Independent.
C. I love Sarah Palin! What party is she with?
If you answered mostly A:
Why are you taking this quiz? Go back to your career. It’s upset you haven’t paid attention to it for three minutes.
If you answered mostly B:
Your life is far too busy to be a trophy spouse. Being a trophy spouse requires lots of effort. Well, not so much effort as perceived effort. In any case, you just work too hard to cut it.
If you answered mostly C:
Congratulations! You have the perfect making for a trophy spouse. Of course, you still have to find someone rich to marry you, take care of you, and who doesn’t see you as a person. Good luck!