This is a picture of a mysterious avocado.
Study it. Learn from it. Watch it. Beware the avocado.
This is no ordinary avocado, satisfied with hiding itself in perfectly innocuous foods and then filling your mouth with yucky green mush when you are least expecting it. This is the Mystery Avocado. Behold its awesome and terrifying story.
Several months ago, one of the small hedge bushes by our front walkway began to wither. We cut back the dead branches as suggested by our gardener, but nothing we did seemed to help. I eventually cut it back to almost nothing in preparation for replacing it.
Side note: When Halloween came, I searched in vain for some kind of electric device that would make a monster jump out at the children from our hole in the bushes. I briefly considered grabbing some branches and hiding behind them to scare the kids myself, but it was cold out and I didn’t want to sit outside for hours. Somebody should make one of those. Then send me one. Then send me royalties.
Where was I? Oh yes.
As we left our home earlier this week, I pointed out the remains of the hedge to my wife. The remaining branches had started growing leaves again. When she looked down on them she said “Where did the avocado come from?”
There, underneath a light covering of branches and slightly buried in the dirt was the aforementioned Mystery Avocado. The avocado was pristine. It wasn’t the kind of avocado we normally bought and we hadn’t bought some in a long time. Our son denied burying it there in hopes of growing a bush. It was an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, surrounded by squishy green flesh.
So far we have three major theories as to its origin:
1. A squirrel buried it.
A good theory, and it would explain why it was partially buried and covered in branches. However, there are no avocado bushes on our street and a squirrel big enough to carry it would have to weigh approximately 130 lbs.
2. It was left by rogue gardeners.
Last year we found squash hidden on our front porch by people we thought were our friends. They could have stashed their extra avocadoes on our property the same way they had disposed of their zucchini. However, I can’t imagine anyone cruel enough to try to dump avocadoes on the unprepared.
3. The CIA.
As I stated earlier, this avocado was pristine. It hadn’t withered or been chewed on by animals or bugs (probably showing that the local wildlife is increasing in intelligence). The only explanation for that phenomenon is some kind of CIA plot to drop surveillance avocadoes in people’s front yards. This idea is the front runner.
Any thoughts? Your input is appreciated.
By the way, I went out just an hour ago to gaze at my Mystery Avocado and it was gone. Somewhere, the aliens are cuddling their evil brood, or MI-5 is reprogramming it for its next assignment, or it’s teaching Britney Spears how to sing. We’ll never know. All that I have is a small, pear-shaped hole, and questions.