Friday, February 5, 2010

An Example of My Heroism

It was late at night and the rain poured down. I was in my socks and didn’t want to step outside and get them wet on the slick pavement. The gap between the side door of my home and the garbage can was long, but not so long that I couldn’t lean out while holding the doorframe, lift the top of the garbage can and drop the bag of garbage in. The trick is throwing the lid up high enough so you can get the garbage in the can before the lid crashes down again.

I was halfway through this maneuver when I heard a rustling sound to my right. I looked over and saw another garbage bag leaning against the house, just under the kitchen window. As I watched, the bag rustled again. Someone *cough* wife *cough* had left a garbage bag outside instead of putting it into the can and an animal got inside. Following my *cough* wife’s *cough* example, I dropped the garbage bag I was holding and left it on the ground. No point in fighting a rabid animal just to take out the trash. I’d let it have its fun and clean up the next morning.

In the early daylight hours, I stepped outside. As I approached the bag of garbage against the house, it rustled again and I -- ever fleet of foot when my life is in danger -- jumped back inside the house with the grace of an antelope who uses performance-enhancing drugs. I slammed the door shut and considered my options. The animal hadn’t been foraging for food; it was trapped in the bag. I couldn’t just leave it there; that would be cruel. Still, I didn’t want to get bitten.

Spotting a broom out of the corner of my eye, I realized what I had to do. Leaning out while holding the doorframe again, I reached with the broom handle and slowly pushed the garbage bag over so the opening was near the ground. Now, anything inside it would be able to get out.

It was only then that I could see, from my vantage point of clinging to the wall like a frail version of Spider Man, that the garbage bag was right next to the dryer vent. In fact, the bag had been covering the vent until I pushed it over. Now that it wasn’t blocking. longer stopping the flow of humid air, the bag ceased rustling.
I nodded to myself, satisfied in my own heroism. Problem solved.

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