Saturday, January 9, 2010

Caring for a Sick Child, Part 2: Taking your child to a Pharmacy

There was a time when pharmacists were respected members of the community. Pharmacists would work tirelessly: grinding powders, hand-painting pills, blowing glass to make bottles, and writing labels with calligraphy pens. However, back in the 1930s, small stores began to recruit pharmacists straight out of school to sit in the back of their stores as a way of getting more customers. The drug store was born and the old, experienced, helpful pharmacists were gone.

You may be loathe to take your child to a drug store, and with good reason. Consumer watchdogs have long reported of the dangerous effects that Chia Pets and Snuggies can have on small children. However, if follow these simple instructions your visit will be painless. Well, easier. Er, you’ll know what to do.

  1. Enter drug store.
    • Walk to the rear of the store where the pharmacists hide, taking care to remove any crosses, garlic, or wooden stakes from your person.
    • Wait for pharmacist.
    • Ignore screaming of small animal pharmacist is killing for fun.
    • Wait for pharmacist.
    • Cover nose and mouth with handkerchief to protect from smell of human sacrifices.
    • Wait for pharmacist.
  2. Order medicine.
    • When pharmacist finally deigns to arrive, give your name, insurance card information, social security number, HMO number, date of birth, home address, home phone number, zodiac symbol, and shoe size to pharmacist.
    • Wait with child for prescription to be filled.
    • Let child pick up shopping basket as a form of entertainment.
    • Let child grab a box of cold medicine and put it in the basket.
    • Let child grab a toy and put it in the basket.
    • Stop child from grabbing fish hooks.
    • Stop child from grabbing eyeglasses.
    • Stop child from grabbing rat poison, firearms, nuclear warheads, and all the other patently unsafe things that are stocked on the low shelves of a drug store.
    • Take basket from child and return items to shelves while child wanders off towards the cane rack.
    • Take polka-dot walking cane from child and return to rack.
    • Take striped cane from child and return to rack.
    • Take polka-dot walking cane from child and return to rack.
    • Place yourself in front of cane rack and point behind child while screaming “Wow! Look at those choking hazards.”
    • Remark how you don’t understand how taking medicine from a shelf and putting it into a bottle can take so long.
    • Realize the pharmacist heard you.
    • Wait an additional hour.
    • Get bottle.
    • Pay.
  3. Administer medicine.
    • Get in car and begin drive home.
    • Receive text message from wife asking if you asked for a flavor to be mixed into medicine.
    • Text back “NO” while running a red light.
    • Arrive at home and unwrap bottle.
    • Use knife to open child-proof cap.
    • Bandage cut fingers.
    • Find out medicine has the smell of wood glue.
    • Try to fill eyedropper with medicine and realize it has the consistency of wood glue.
    • Put medicine in child’s mouth and find out it has the taste of wood glue.
    • Clean medicine off clothes, chair, floor, table, windows, ceiling, passing aircraft, etc.
    • Realize eyedropper only holds one fourth of required dosage.
    • Call doctor to ask about “down side of lifelong infection.”

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