Monday, October 19, 2009

Secret Disney Vacation Packages

I just finished visiting Disneyland and, like most people, had a half-miserable time. Sure, there’s lots of great shows and rides, but Disneyland is a huge park to drag kids around through. Pleasing all of your children’s desires while finding appropriate food, waiting for your rides, and scheduling naps is a headache. I was considering leaving the park early and driving home when I met someone who told me about the secret vacation packages Disney has. Had I known about these packages, I would have had a much better experience. I’ve listed these options below so you can avoid what I just went through.

Mickey’s Gourmet Access Pass
Ever want to make food that is just as healthy and tasty as the food you get in the Disney parks? Well, now you can cook the Disney way! With Mickey’s Gourmet Access Pass, you get cooking classes with real Disney park chefs. You’ll learn how to make chicken nuggets, hamburgers, cheese burgers, bacon cheeseburgers, vegetarian burgers, and french fries. If you purchase the advanced pass, you’ll learn the expert cooking techniques for making macaroni and cheese from a box, assembling turkey wraps, and handing children ice cream novelties from the freezer.

To order:
Mickey’s Gourmet Access Pass must be ordered by phone through the Disney travel service. Enter option 6 when prompted.

Scrooge McDuck’s Ultimate Holiday
This package includes a week’s worth of park hopper tickets, all your photos, six collectable pins for trading, pens and autograph/photo books for character meet and greets, walking tour of the park, all meals (including character dinner at Cinderella’s Royal Table), horse carriage ride, special reserved seating at nightly fireworks display, souvenir pin, souvenir sticker sheet, souvenir lanyard and ticket holder, hotel accommodations, bus ride to and from the airport, character greeting the airport, fun character wake-up-call, and a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni in Disney character shapes.

To order:
Available only through the Disney website. On checkout, enter the coupon code:

Minnie Mouse’s Package for Good Mommies
The Minnie Mouse package assigns you a group of “personal assistants” to accompany you through the parks for the duration of your stay. Your assistants will stand on line so you don’t have to wait for rides and shows, take photographs of you and your children at all the photo spots, secure healthy meals, and whisk your kids away to secret detention facilities at the slightest hint of a temper tantrum.

To order:
Call the Disney Travel Office and tell your operator “My children behave perfectly.”

Sleepy Dwarf’s Happy Holiday
This option will provide you with a unique souvenir pin. Whenever a ride operator spots your pin, he or she will place you as far from screaming teenagers as possible.

To order:
Go to the Costco Travel service and mention to your agent that you’ve recently been released from a mental institution and “still have some issues.”

Snow White’s Magical Honeymoon
Planning on a Disney cruise or park vacation for your honeymoon? Congratulations! This package will ensure you have a long and happy marriage. When you select this package, Disney will send over a certified marriage counselor to explain to your spouse that you’re adults now and should have a real honeymoon for adults.

To order:
Visit the Disney Travel website and click the “We’re Thrilled to Have a Disney Honeymoon!” checkbox under “Special Vacation Options.”

Mortimer Mouse Room Reservation
This package provides you with a doctor’s medical excuse not to enter the parks for a day, a private hotel room equipped with a widescreen TV, full ESPN channels, complimentary room service, and six prostitutes dressed as the Disney princesses.

To order:
Write a personalized letter to Roy Disney explaining that you’ve admired his intelligence and power for years and have always looked up to him, but don’t think you can stand another Disney vacation.

The Perfect, Stress-Free Vacation
Cancels your reservation and returns all your money.

To order:
Available through all ordering methods. Just think about what you’re getting yourself into.

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