Tuesday, September 8, 2009

How to Register for a Business License With a Toddler

I’m sure the three of you have noticed I don’t post very often. This time I have an excuse. However, like most of my excuses, I’ve turned it into a blog post. Today, I am posting an informational essay.

How to Register for a Business License With a Toddler

Step One: Go to City Hall

  • If City Hall is located near a park, walk through park.
  • Dig toddler out of mud.
  • Change toddler’s clothes in nearby library.
  • Head back through park to City Hall, this time carrying toddler. Ignore the stares of people who think you are torturing your child who is screaming because you won’t let him walk.

Step Two: Go to the Business Office

  • If the business office is located on the second floor, go to the elevator.
  • Let toddler push button. Try to make toddler push correct button. Give up and let the toddler push any button. Explain to security why you set off the elevator alarm.
  • Go up elevator. Try to get toddler out of elevator.
  • Go down elevator.
  • Go up elevator. Try to get toddler out of elevator
  • Repeat.

Step Three: Look Up Business Designation
Upon entering the business office, you will be given a form to fill out. If you have already checked online, you will find there is only one field you can’t fill at home, the business designation number. The attendant there will give you a 1,000 page book to look through to find your designation.

  • Give toddler toy while you look at book.
  • Move toddler away from pamphlets on how to avoid swine flu.
  • Go back to looking through book.
  • Move toddler away from Tagalog translated pamphlets on how to avoid swine flu.
  • Go back to book. Hit end of book and start over from beginning.
  • Move toddler away from Spanish translated books on how to avoid swine flu.
  • Go back to book. Find something vaguely related to your business.
  • Pick up entire display of swine flu pamphlets.
  • Write designation on form and hope nobody notices you wrote down “electrolysis center” as your designation.

Step Four: Return Home

  • Leave Business Office
  • Return to Business Office to pick up remaining debris left by toddler. Ignore stare of angry attendant.
  • Go down stairs to avoid “elevator debacle.”
  • Stop toddler from banging on stained-glass window.
  • Stop toddler from climbing bronze statue of ballerina.
  • Drag toddler out front doors.
  • Drag toddler through park.
  • Strap toddler in car while avoiding flailing limbs.
  • Go home.
  • Scream.


Kathleen said...

keep writing about being a dad to toddlers... you are really fun to read then... no more dead beatle blogs, okay? spare us!!!

M. A. Kagle said...

As I have one post for more beetles and one post for none, it's a hard choice. Of course, one of the posts didn't spell beetle wrong, so I'm going with that one.

Kathleen said...

oh no!!! I didn't realize spelling counts on blog comments... please save us from the beetle posts... warn me, I'll skip your blog that day... but your blogs about being a dad are hilarious and don't give me an instant case of vertigo

Jonathan said...

The pamphlet was translated into Tagalong? I wonder if the Filipino Girl Scouts have a merit badge for that?