Saturday, May 16, 2009

Men: Ready to Serve

Men try to protect their families. It’s just what we do. We’re constantly watching for danger: thugs with guns, wild packs of dogs, kidnappers looking for spare children. It’s ingrained into our nature. We must be ready to defend our families.

There is one danger, however, that we all prepare for more than any other. It’s not a situation that's likely to happen, but we’re ready for it, nonetheless.

Imagine this:

You’re in the hospital, lying in bed. Machines surround you, beeping and whirring. They keep you alive but, even in your weakened state, you can tell that they can only keep you going for so long. Your children are at your bedside, clutching your arm (the one with the fewest tubes running out of it) and weeping silently.

On the other side of the room is your husband. He’s at the door -- thoughtfully watching for thugs, dogs, and kidnappers. You know he’d do anything for you, but you worry it's too much to ask of him. Still, it has to be done, not just to save your life, but for the sake of your children.

Painfully, you reach up with your free hand and pull off the oxygen mask.

“You have to do it,” you say, your voice a hoarse whisper.

He shakes his head.

“There must be another way.”

“There isn’t any time,” you say, trying your best not to cough up blood. “It doesn’t matter how many doctors we see, the treatment is always the same.”

He comes and kneels at your side, taking your hand. Tears fill his eyes and he looks away so you won’t see him wipe them off.

“I won’t do it,” he says again, pleading. “It’s wrong. I couldn’t do that to you.” At that moment, a young blonde nurse enters.

“The room is ready,” she says. “Have you made your decision?”

“Think of the children,” you manage to gasp before having to put the mask back on.

Your husband looks into your eyes and finally lowers his head, nodding. Relief floods through you and your children run to hug him.

“What do I have to do?” he asks the nurse.

“We’ve assembled a several dozen lingerie models, actresses, and porn starlets,” she says. “You have to have sex with them all, day and night, until your wife gets better.”

”How long?” he asks as he turns to leave.

“As long as you can, “ she says, following him, slowly unbuttoning her blouse.

After he’s gone, you close your eyes and thank the heavens that you have a husband willing and able to save you in your darkest hour. You remember, however, all men prepare themselves for such emergencies and resolve to thank him when he’s done, years later.

So remember, the next time you see your husband staring off into the distance when you’re asking his feelings on the last “Desperate Housewives” or how to accessorize with cornflower blue. It’s not that he’s ignoring you. He’s imagining himself with other women; preparing himself mentally for the day he may have to save your life.

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