Thursday, December 4, 2008

I Hate Mail Merge

If you've been outside an industry and looking in, like I have, you find yourself besieged by headhunters. You can tell a headhunter because they always try to befriend everyone they meet instantly so they can sell your tasty brains to the nearest zombie.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh.

Anyway, they sometimes send out personal emails to their hundreds of clients (or sheep, whatever they call them). I got one once. It went something like this:

Dear MATTHEW,

Happy Easter from ZOMBIE FEEDING HEADHUNTERS (a Time/Warner company)!

I'm going to be at E3 CONFERENCE in LOS ANGELES.

Please stop by our booth and have a drink on us! We look forward to seeing you. If you are not going to the E3 CONFERENCE in LOS ANGELES, we'll try to bring back a souvenir for you!

Sincerely,

EVIL BLOODSUCKING RECRUITER

I got a bit annoyed by this email and decided to respond in kind. My response was:

Dear $RECRUITER_NAME,

Thanks for your $CHRISTIAN_HOLIDAY greetings! I hope you're having a happy $JEWISH_HOLIDAY as well!

I don't currently have any plans to visit $GAME_CONFERENCE_BASED_IN_DISTANT_LAND since I don't have a $CAREER_CHOICE job to pay the airplane fees. Oh, well! If I was I'd offer to kick back many $ALCOHOLIC_BEVERAGE with you and talk about $CAREER_CHOICE like we have so many times in the past.

Well, $RECRUITER_NAME, gotta go! There's so much email for me to answer!

$PERSONALIZED_FAREWELL

Matthew Kagle

Not my most original work, but I love the conceit. I still use it sometimes.

No comments: