Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Seven Deadly Holidays

It’s October and the Christmas season is in full swing. (Don’t believe me? You must not have been to a store since early September.) Those who know me know I hate Christmas with a white hot passion that knows no bounds. I’m not going to tell you the reasons why – that’s for a later post – but I’ll tell you what isn’t a reason: commercialism. Sure, there are lots of people who complain about the marketing that has become associated with The American Holiday (I’m looking at you “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” sign posters) but greed is what makes the holiday fun for most people. In fact, the Seven Deadly Sins have made all of our holidays more fun.

To demonstrate, I present to you a quick, chronologically-ordered guide to the major American holidays and how you can enjoy them more through the lens of the Seven Deadly Sins:

  1. Halloween – Pride
    Remember, the more elaborate your costume, the better a person you are. The more elaborate your children’s costumes are, the happier they’ll be. While you’re at it, why not dress your teenagers up like prostitutes? All their friends are doing it!

  2. Thanksgiving – Gluttony
    What better way to give thanks than by stuffing yourself silly with piles and piles of food? As a side note, it seems God wasn’t too impressed by the Pilgrims’ prayers on the first Thanksgiving as he killed half their number a couple months later.

  3. Christmas – Greed
    Gifts! Must buy more gifts! If you don’t have enough gifts under your enormous, garish tree it means you don’t love your family.

  4. New Years Eve – Envy
    If you feel bad about growing older, you should make a list of the things that you envy about other people so you can work on being more like them this year.

  5. St. Valentines Day – Lust
    Valentine, like every other Catholic saint, loved the idea of people all over the world immersing themselves in carnal lusts. I’m not going to go into details here (I can’t figure out how to change this blog’s settings to “not safe for minors”) but I’m sure you can figure something out.

  6. Labor Day – Sloth
    You could spend this holiday thinking about the lives of the average worker and those things labor unions have done for us (5 day work weeks, 8 hour days, medical benefits, etc.), or you could sit on the couch and look for football games on your 398-channel HD Television.

  7. Independence Day – Wrath
    How many people died in our war for independence? What were the causes and results of their sacrifices? Who cares, we killed a lot of British! That’ll teach them for invading other countries. Extra tip: hold the bottle rockets really close to your face when you light them if you want the doctors to give you the extra special meds when they do the skin grafts.

I’m sure you’re thinking “But what about all the other holidays? I want to get the full, self-indulgence out of St. Patrick’s Day, Mardi Gras, and Secretary’s Day!” Sorry, there’s only seven sins. On those holidays you are expected to act as perfect, spiritual beings.

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